We broke up the night before.
I thought all was fine. Then I looked out the window. The coffee machine was running. I looked out the window. Then looked down.
Tears filled my eyes. Then they fell into the cup.
We worked together for the next six months.
Day in day out. My heart skipped a beat every time I saw her.
I ignored her. It was easier that way. Easier to not say anything than to try and make conversation and let the pain come back.
The void was there. The void sucked. Like something inside of me was missing.
It wasn’t her fault. It’s easy to blame the other person. But it was no one's fault. No one's fault except my own. My fault.
Now and then I’d think of her. Her smile. Her laugh. Her cute little nose.
How could I fill this void?
Nothing could fill it. People said keep busy. I kept busy. Busy is just putting it off.
We met up for coffee.
Why did you want to meet up?
Because I wanted to thank you. Thank you for everything.
What do you mean?
Thank you for the time we had together.
Then I asked her what her goals were for the future.
What are your goals for the future?
Don’t do that.
Don’t do what?
Ask those questions.
We hugged and haven’t seen each other since. That was 18-months or so ago.
The void came back. What was missing?
Nothing could fill it. This was the part where people get addicted. Addicted to something to try and fill the void. Alcohol. Drugs. Whatever it was. Something had to fill it in.
You have to find a way to fill the void somehow.
I wrote down my thoughts. How could I be feeling like this? On the outside all shiny and smiley. A black hole inside. It’s tough being an actor. When the you everyone sees is different to the you inside. It’s exhausting.
Every thought went onto the paper.
I’m feeling bad because I miss her.
I want to feel important to someone. I invested all my love into her. No. That’s what it is.
I forgot to love myself.
I’m not missing her. I’m missing the version of me I was with her.
It’s not her fault. It’s my fault.
I looked in the mirror.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Straight to my face whilst looking in my eyes.
I love you. I love you.
It felt weird. But the void was filling up. I could feel it. The black hole was collapsing on itself.
I love you.
10 times. Then I stopped. I’d figured it out. The void I was trying to fill was a lack of self-love. A lack of self-esteem. I’d invested my whole self-worth into someone else.
It’s not her fault. I’m responsible for it. I’m responsible for my self-worth.
People would say to stay busy. Don’t stay busy. Busy meant avoiding the problem. Not anymore. The problem had to be solved. If it wasn’t, I was done.
It still happens. The void needs to be filled every day. No one wants to talk about it. You lay in bed at night and listen to the voice in your head. It’s the most important conversation you have all day.
When the void was big all hope was lost. I spent too long trying to walk around the edges instead of jumping straight in.
It’s my fault. I’m responsible for my own self-worth.
Then I stopped avoiding the darkness and learned to dance with it. It’s always going to be there. I made it my friend.
I’m responsible for my own self-worth.
The darkness is weak to love. It’s why I would miss her. Her love fought it off.
Now it’s my love.
I love you. I love you.
I’m responsible for it.
I look in the mirror. Straight into my eyes. The left one. The right one. My mind is lost in thought but gets found in the words.
I love you.