The consuming creator

No matter how much I checked them the hole didn’t fill.

In bed, me and my phone and Facebook, Instagram, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Email, Facebook, Safari, Instagram, Snapchat. Again and again.

Every time I’d find something funny, then something which made me think, then something which made me jealous then something which made me smile something which made me feel bad something which made me feel good. 

I’d send things to my friends. They’d send back some some of their own.

Checking the red symbols felt good. Really good. A red symbol meant someone thought of me. It meant I was important enough for someone to think of me and tap their screen. I was important.

But something was missing. No matter how many red symbols appeared, it wasn’t there.

The feeling. The fullness. What was it? Too hard to describe. But I knew it was there. My gut was screaming for it but my head couldn’t figure out what it was saying.

I needed to flip the scale. Not tip it. Flip it. I was consuming too much. Too many red circles. The scrolling scrolling was infinite but the void was bigger.

I thought to myself. I want to make my own stuff. I want to create things. I want to share things.

The thought stuck around for a long time. Too long until my actions started matching my ambitions. They’re still not fully there.

Then little by little my work went out. I got an idea and made something with it. Then I hit publish. Those seven letters on the button, p u b l i s h, I read them carefully. Saw the button with the smooth edges, hovered over it my mouse and let it sit there then I clicked it. That was it. It was out there.

Publish, publish, publish, publish. Most of it wasn’t good. All of it at the start was crap. It’s still out there somewhere. But it was required. The bad was required for the good to shine its light.

The hole was an empty space waiting to be filled with my own creations. It needs to be fed. It’s the burning inside you which follows you everywhere and pokes and prods you. That’s its job.

When you ignore it, it only grows impatient. It seems like your enemy but it doesn’t want to be. It’s selfish, it wants the best for itself but it also wants the best for you. I figured it out. I showed up and listened, stopped ignoring it. Everything it said made sense.

I flipped the scales. I had to create. The pokes and prods are still there but I’m listening now. That’s my job.